I'm not gonna lie — college has made me more jaded than a Hindu idol. The brazen exposures to outside realities, long sheltered by my loving parents, have made me feel like I could handle anything from Singapore to Sing Sing.

So when I have about as much sympathy for the city of Seattle as Bill Clinton has desire to stay celibate, you know why.

I'm a nice guy — I play by the rules, I take dogs for walks, even let my mom clean up their doo-doo — but seeing the carpetbaggin' Clay Bennett strip Seattle of its oldest franchise fails to even bring the thought of a tear to my mind. There will be no great odes to the Green and Yellow coming from the tips of my fingers, no Hallmark cards sent to those in the greater Puget Sound, no reminiscent, over-the-shoulder glances toward KeyArena as Imogen Heap helps the screen fade to black.

Instead, all you'll be getting from yours truly is a hearty chuckle and a capitalistic, understanding that, well, snakes like David Stern win some, and the good people of Seattle lose some.

You see, much of the reasoning for my cold-heartedness comes from the purported I-5 rivalry between Seattle and my very own City of Roses, Portland. Sister cities, Northwest neighbors, hippie hegemons — whatever you want to term it, Portland and Seattle will always be inextricably linked due to both locale and reputation. Still, Seattle has always held the upper hand, from Grey's Anatomy to Jimi Hendrix to easier access to cheap Canadian prescription drugs.

Now, the tide is turning. The loss of the Sonics may be the most widely-dispersed development, but let's look at the past few years. Seattle has dealt with deadly WTO and Mardi Gras riots, lost hundreds of jobs when Boeing relocated to Chicago, turned to Jello in a 6.8 quake, saw the royal Bill Gates step down, learned the 'Bucks was closing 600 stores, and still doesn't have a light rail system. On the other hand, Portland has been named the top place to raise a family, the No. 2 city to bicycle in the world, the greenest city in the U.S., now owns The Shins and still has a light rail system. Oh, and the Blazers are going to dominate the entire next decade.

I know the Sonics fans, from the founders of Save Our Sonics to the 2,000 diehards who showed up outside the courthouse to display their undying support, must feel like a herd of obese elephants sat on their hearts. And I feel for them. I do. No one wants to see that hurt, that utter agony, even in the staunchest of enemies, save for the Steinbrenner famiglia.

But to steal the title from that Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, the fans are simply Collateral Damage. Like the polar bears to global warming or the immune system to "aw c'mon, just one more Big Mac," those fans were unavoidable casualties. Maybe not necessarily for the greater good — sending anything to Oklahoma is never a welcome sign (Trail of Tears, anyone? B-Ho, anyone?) — but in this process pummeling the dreams of these fans could not be helped.